Questions

Have you ever been asked a question only to have your response to that question explode in your face because your answer seemed to be beyond your boundaries? It happened to me this week, I should be used to it by now, and I am pissed about it.
A friend in the states wants to do something to help street kids in Turkey, decide to open a rehab for them. Low and behold I get asked if I know any counselors that speak Turkish. We have a few long distance email conversations and I remember that I do know someone who speaks Turkish. Actually, I think he could be the exact person for them in the situation they find themselves in. So I tell them, "This is the guy you want, and this is why he is what you need!"
I guess they realized when they read his qualifications that he would be the type of guy who would be a program director rather than just a counselor.

OOPS! More than they asked for.

So instead of just telling me hey thanks for the referral, I will ask for his CV, I get shit because I am overstepping my bounds. I am supposedly injecting myself into their grand plan on how to help the street kids. Well you know what, I don't think you really want to help them if you are that interested in "your plan."

I suppose the worst outcome would be that the street kids will have a place to sleep for a few months, until you find out your plan stops when you leave, and shut the place down. Hello!!! This is Turkey!

All you need to do is look at the other social programs in existence to see that you are walking down the road to hell if you do not have very strong and very hands-on leadership. Every other program has tumbled when the original formers walked away either temporarily or permanently in this country. That is a cultural norm.

There is absolutely no oversight, so you need strong consistent leadership from the beginning. I get told "when they see the mistake they will ask for help." No, not true, actually that could be true if they open enough to admit the mistake, I'll give them that. Problem is then it will be too late. Then you are talking program changes, with invested staff! How do you get them to change when what they are doing is culturally accepted!? No, I believe by the time the mistake is realized it will be too late and the grand plan would be a failure. And, if this is a failure then no one will attempt anything like it for another generation; because, you've simply proven what everyone already believes, it is impossible to run a Rehab or halfway house in this country.

Good luck with that!

As always, if I pissed you off, ask yourself why, I still love you.

Peace and love to all!

LeePsycho

A Hard Week

God this week has been a hard one! I had, for lack of a better term, a PTSD like flashback and I am having a hard time getting past it. You see I was involved in a co-dependent marriage for 20 years. Now that is over but in my new relationship I felt I had to do a co-dependent thing in order to end a minor argument. I said at the time "You dont understand the significance of what I just did" but could not explain it further at the time.

Hell, I still have a hard time explaining it. We talked about it last night and cleared a lot of it up, but not all of it.

Let me try to explain: I had a frustrating day because I wanted to work but could not. The work I do now depends on a computer in order to prepare presentations, seminars and a consultation company web site. I could not get access to a computer though. Sometimes at the office I get relegated to an office where all I can do is sit and do nothing, and most of the time I really don't mind. That day I minded a lot, I really wanted to work on it.

I tried to find a way to work, to no avail. I got more and more frustrated over the last couple hours at work, then there were a couple other frustrating things that happened on the way home that piled on to the original ones and I became angry. Jale wanted to know why I was angry, but I could not talk about it at that time because I just felt like being mean and I did not want to take it out on her. Of course she seeing me in that state was worried and wanted me to share like we always do. I could not see out of the anger. She pushed it till I blew m stack, she took it personal and got defensive. I said I didn't want that and that is why I didn't want to talk about it yet. Then she would not let it go. That is when it happened. We were arguing about something we didn't need to be arguing about and the only way I could see to end it was to diminish my personal value in the argument and accept all the responsibility for everything.
That was the flashback! I had to put her on the same level, in the same role as my ex, her in the same role as my ex in order to do it. I knew she would not understand it and could only say "you do not understand the significance."

I was right, she does not understand it, and neither did I. The next day I could not get out of the funk. I am beginning to get out of it now, because I am beginning to understand it a little.

Men get angry sometimes and react to things that happened in the PAST not the present. This is because they compartmentalize their anger, because they fear losing control, and it only comes out when the compartment is opened. Last night I told her that I was sicker than I thought I was. I thought I had a handle on this crap and I guess I really don't. That again is upsetting to me but I will not let it get pushed back to come out some other time. We talked about it a lot last night and cuddled to sleep. I feel better, I believe she feels better, I can only hope that I do not continue to compartmentalize my angry feelings anymore.

To all the men out there, believe me it aint worth it!

As always, If you take issue with what I have to say I as you to look into yourself and ask why, I love you back no matter what.

To my friends love and kindness all your days.

To my kids, you have all my love, I miss you.

LeePsycho