Saturday, August 11, 2007

Life Goes On

Well here it is, my 42nd birthday. I woke this morning to the woman I love kissing me saying “Happy Birthday Baby.” Funny thing is that I had completely forgotten about my birthday, as usual, until yesterday.

This is a first, my first one away from my kids since they were born. If you read these blogs you know I have to examine how I feel about that and how that applies to my life.

First how do I feel about my birthday? In truth, I regularly forget about my own birthday. I can remember times when I did nothing to celebrate this day personally, and was even reminded by others that it was in fact my day. Hmmm, I have never really placed a lot of weight in my own birthday, at least after I was 18. After 18 it just seemed like any other day of the year. A day other people sometimes celebrated, but I did not.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of being recognized by those I love for making it another year. I enjoyed the parties with my friends in my early twenties. Hell, we could have celebrated every day because we made it through yesterday! I enjoyed all the birthdays my children celebrated with me more than any others combined.

What about this being the 42nd birthday? I really don’t know about that, I mean, I think I don’t really care about my age. When I think about the year in particular, All I can really place is that I got divorced this year and got to spend the majority of this year in the arms of the woman I love. I did not however get to see my kids more than 7 days. Amazing, I just added the days up in my head and it is exactly 7 days, August 12-13 and November 23-27, 2006. Been sitting here for about 10 minutes trying to figure out how I feel about it.

I am torn, conflicted. I am saddened by only getting that little time with my children, while at the same time overjoyed by having that time with Jale. I wish there was some way to join the time with her and the kids. I know I cannot though, and so we come to the title of this blog, “Life Goes On.”

Life indeed goes on. I focus on the things in life that bring me joyous feelings and try my hardest to build a future I can live with. I can recognize that the past exists and that all that really did happen. I can recognize that my past will indeed affect my future, both in consequence and in learning from mistakes.

As for how life goes on, I can only say that Jale, Ibrahim, Mac, and I are on our holiday. We are in Ağva for a month. My work permit has been denied, and the reason mysterious, the company is reapplying. I am writing the only things I know about, addictions and my life. I only hope that a Publisher takes the opportunity to work with me to produce it.

As always if you have a problem with anything I say, I ask you to ask yourself why. I love you back no matter what.

To my friends, love and kindness all your days.

To my children and family in America, I love and miss you very much. Someday we will be able to be together again here.