Friday, July 13, 2007

Missing Life

What the heck have I been up to?

Well I have been working my butt off trying to get my work permit done so I can begin getting paid. Yes we are way over the expected time frame now. I have finally gotten everything ready for the other english speaking colleges here signed up for BCBS and TRICARE as providers, so not their client bases should skyrocket along with their income, at least we all are hoping that will happen. But I am still not getting any income other than my Retirement from the USAF.

We have been going to Ağva every weekend lately. We will be there again this weekend too. I am going to try to get some more pictures to update my photo album linked to this blog. Last weekend I took a picture of a beautiful cove which you can see above. I snorkled that cove and I have to say it was way cool, but there were a lot of dead crabs at the bottom.
Anyway going again this weekend.
Love to my kids and Peace to all!

Friday, July 6, 2007

A Hard Week

God this week has been a hard one! I had, for lack of a better term, a PTSD like flashback and I am having a hard time getting past it. You see I was involved in a co-dependent marriage for 20 years. Now that is over but in my new relationship I felt I had to do a co-dependent thing in order to end a minor argument. I said at the time "You dont understand the significance of what I just did" but could not explain it further at the time.

Hell, I still have a hard time explaining it. We talked about it last night and cleared a lot of it up, but not all of it.

Let me try to explain: I had a frustrating day because I wanted to work but could not. The work I do now depends on a computer in order to prepare presentations, seminars and a consultation company web site. I could not get access to a computer though. Sometimes at the office I get relegated to an office where all I can do is sit and do nothing, and most of the time I really don't mind. That day I minded a lot, I really wanted to work on it.

I tried to find a way to work, to no avail. I got more and more frustrated over the last couple hours at work, then there were a couple other frustrating things that happened on the way home that piled on to the original ones and I became angry. Jale wanted to know why I was angry, but I could not talk about it at that time because I just felt like being mean and I did not want to take it out on her. Of course she seeing me in that state was worried and wanted me to share like we always do. I could not see out of the anger. She pushed it till I blew m stack, she took it personal and got defensive. I said I didn't want that and that is why I didn't want to talk about it yet. Then she would not let it go. That is when it happened. We were arguing about something we didn't need to be arguing about and the only way I could see to end it was to diminish my personal value in the argument and accept all the responsibility for everything.
That was the flashback! I had to put her on the same level, in the same role as my ex, her in the same role as my ex in order to do it. I knew she would not understand it and could only say "you do not understand the significance."

I was right, she does not understand it, and neither did I. The next day I could not get out of the funk. I am beginning to get out of it now, because I am beginning to understand it a little.

Men get angry sometimes and react to things that happened in the PAST not the present. This is because they compartmentalize their anger, because they fear losing control, and it only comes out when the compartment is opened. Last night I told her that I was sicker than I thought I was. I thought I had a handle on this crap and I guess I really don't. That again is upsetting to me but I will not let it get pushed back to come out some other time. We talked about it a lot last night and cuddled to sleep. I feel better, I believe she feels better, I can only hope that I do not continue to compartmentalize my angry feelings anymore.

To all the men out there, believe me it aint worth it!

As always, If you take issue with what I have to say I as you to look into yourself and ask why, I love you back no matter what.

To my friends love and kindness all your days.

To my kids, you have all my love, I miss you.


Wednesday, July 4, 2007

First Weekend in July 2007

This weekend started early. We left for Ağva on Friday and stayed till Tuesday evening. The trip there was longer than usual because Ibrahim decided to wash the car and there was an accident on the Highway which slowed the treaffic to a halt for a while. We had planned on cooking diner on the way but by the time we got there it was dark so we went to eat at the little Resteraunt we always eat at.

Dilek, the woman who manages the place for her family, likes me for some reason and has decided that I must learn some new Turkish every time I go. This week it was the same as last week because I really messed it up the first time. This week though I managed the entire sentance accurately! You see the conversation went like this:

Dilek – “Iyi yakşamlar, nasilsiniz?” Good evening, how are you today?”
Me – “Iyim sol, hava nasil geçde?” Good thanks, how was your week?

To which she beamed with delight and kissed my cheeks saying Iyi which means good. I was proud of myself and everyone had a great laugh because I managed it correctly. We all sat down and ate Köfte. The evening was great.

The rest of the weekend was spent reading books and sunning on the beach. We had to chase the wasps out of the house severa times, and we painted the gate to the street. We also spent a lot of time this weekend over at the Paradise Hotel.

You have to understand about the Paradise. Galip, the owner, is an old friend of the family. The hotel he began building 20 or so years ago is probably 3 kilometers up river on the side with no road. To get there you either have to go by boat or park across the river and be brought across on his skyway. He has slowly built individual bungalows that look like log cabins, and has a large resteraunt and grounds covered in little cozy platforms and eating areas. I love the place because it is so peaceful, until night time when there is live music. Every time we go there we are treated like family and shown to their table. If ever you have the chance to visit this part of the world, it is absolutely worth it to make a trip to Ağva just to stay at the Paradise for a while! is the web site to check it out.

That was the weekend. Of course I have not included the stupid things I said or did because it might hurt someone else if I write about them here in this forum. Just know that I do and say stupid stuff sometimes!

I also spent a large amount of time thinking about my kids this weekend but that is in the blog I leave for them.

As always love and hugs to my friends. My only hope for you is that you find the sort of happiness I have.

If anyone takes issue with anything I have said, I encourage you to ask yourself why. Afterall, I am just a goofy guy trying to live in happiness. Love to you no matter what.

To my kids, you have all the love I can give at this distance. Know that I love you more than I can say or show!