A Hard Week

God this week has been a hard one! I had, for lack of a better term, a PTSD like flashback and I am having a hard time getting past it. You see I was involved in a co-dependent marriage for 20 years. Now that is over but in my new relationship I felt I had to do a co-dependent thing in order to end a minor argument. I said at the time "You dont understand the significance of what I just did" but could not explain it further at the time.

Hell, I still have a hard time explaining it. We talked about it last night and cleared a lot of it up, but not all of it.

Let me try to explain: I had a frustrating day because I wanted to work but could not. The work I do now depends on a computer in order to prepare presentations, seminars and a consultation company web site. I could not get access to a computer though. Sometimes at the office I get relegated to an office where all I can do is sit and do nothing, and most of the time I really don't mind. That day I minded a lot, I really wanted to work on it.

I tried to find a way to work, to no avail. I got more and more frustrated over the last couple hours at work, then there were a couple other frustrating things that happened on the way home that piled on to the original ones and I became angry. Jale wanted to know why I was angry, but I could not talk about it at that time because I just felt like being mean and I did not want to take it out on her. Of course she seeing me in that state was worried and wanted me to share like we always do. I could not see out of the anger. She pushed it till I blew m stack, she took it personal and got defensive. I said I didn't want that and that is why I didn't want to talk about it yet. Then she would not let it go. That is when it happened. We were arguing about something we didn't need to be arguing about and the only way I could see to end it was to diminish my personal value in the argument and accept all the responsibility for everything.
That was the flashback! I had to put her on the same level, in the same role as my ex, her in the same role as my ex in order to do it. I knew she would not understand it and could only say "you do not understand the significance."

I was right, she does not understand it, and neither did I. The next day I could not get out of the funk. I am beginning to get out of it now, because I am beginning to understand it a little.

Men get angry sometimes and react to things that happened in the PAST not the present. This is because they compartmentalize their anger, because they fear losing control, and it only comes out when the compartment is opened. Last night I told her that I was sicker than I thought I was. I thought I had a handle on this crap and I guess I really don't. That again is upsetting to me but I will not let it get pushed back to come out some other time. We talked about it a lot last night and cuddled to sleep. I feel better, I believe she feels better, I can only hope that I do not continue to compartmentalize my angry feelings anymore.

To all the men out there, believe me it aint worth it!

As always, If you take issue with what I have to say I as you to look into yourself and ask why, I love you back no matter what.

To my friends love and kindness all your days.

To my kids, you have all my love, I miss you.

LeePsycho